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We could almost be back in the San Francisco of the 1960s. Tune in, turn on, drop out. Make love not war. A hippy counterculture that turned its back on the American involvement in Vietnam. One determined to shape a new world order.
Fast forward to today and we have one MP who is hellbent on making 2026 the summer of sex. One who wants to focus politicians’ attention on the joys of the orgasm. To return to the simpler pleasures of life. Though without the need for everyone to take acid. The world is hallucinogenic enough. And who’s to say she’s wrong?
Maybe if Donald and Melania Trump were to do it more – I’m sorry to put that thought in your head; once there, it’s not easily erased – then the US president wouldn’t have declared war on Iran and the pope. He might have been more chilled. You know what? I can give those cruise missiles a miss today. Nigel Farage, too. He might not have it in for immigrants quite so much. Though you can’t quite eliminate the possibility that maybe Nigel gets turned on by small-boat videos.
The woman who has dreamed this one up is the Labour MP for South Derbyshire, Samantha Niblett. An unfortunate example of nominative determinism. Samantha was first elected in 2024 and is a stalwart of the Blue Labour wing of the party. A wing she appears determined to make a whole lot bluer. Very Blue Labour. When it came to the vote on means-testing winter fuel payments for pensioners, Sam was all in favour. Presumably, she expects old people to snuggle down under the duvet to enjoy some carnal pleasures. Good for the soul, great for the heart rate. Warm in body and mind. Keep the radiator turned off.
Now, you might have thought politicians were the last people who needed educating on the joy of sex. After all, MPs have a terrible track record on this. Sometimes it seems easier to find one who isn’t rumoured to be having an affair. Some would definitely benefit from a spot of abstinence. Boris Johnson – AKA the Sperminator – was a case in point. Infidelity appeared to be hardwired into his psyche for much of his life. It was almost as though he only had to look at a woman to get her pregnant. Even now, we aren’t entirely clear how many children he has. It’s possible even he doesn’t know.
And then there’s the porn in parliament. One laptop found in the office of the former Tory cabinet minister Damian Green had thousands of images of legal porn on its hard drive. Green denied having any knowledge of how the pictures got there. As did everyone in his office. So maybe there’s something in the Westminster ether that makes porn download itself to people’s computers.
Stranger things have happened. Like the time the former Tory MP Neil Parish was trying to access a tractor website and found himself watching hardcore porn in the Commons chamber. And somehow kept watching it. Just hoping that sooner or later he would come to a muckspreader. A word to the wise. Never type “Massey Ferguson” into a Google search while you’re at work.
The title of Niblett’s campaign is “Yes sex please, we’re British”. A play on the 1973 film No Sex Please, We’re British. And her aim is a noble one: to prevent abuse and violence, and raise awareness of how childbirth, menopause and health conditions can affect sexual satisfaction.
To aid her cause, Sam has enlisted the help of the distinctly unsexy sounding “sextech entrepreneur” Cindy Gallop, who has created the website MakeLoveNotPorn on which consenting adults have messy, intimate, sensual sex for both their pleasure and others’.
“It’s a turn-on, it helps you masturbate,” she told PoliticsHome as she expanded on her own sex life. Yes. Though some things are best left to the imagination.
As well as securing a debate in parliament some time in the autumn, Niblett hopes to have an exhibition in the Westminster palace itself. Her dream is to have Portcullis House decked out with sex toys. That’s if she can get permission from the authorities and the dildos make it through the security scanners.
Quite where all the toys will be coming from is not clear. Will they all be brand new, with sales reps taking orders from passing MPs, lords, researchers and journalists? Or will they all be – ahem – pre-loved? In which case it’s to be hoped they have been thoroughly washed.
Maybe Sam will invite MPs to bring in their favourite vibrators. Sort of like bring your child to work day, only for sex toys. Then each dildo could come with its own tag saying “kindly donated by …”. That really would be an education. You’d hate to think what some MPs might bring in.
“This is about taking control of our patriotism, our Britishness,” says Niblett. I’m not sure when sex education became part of loving your national identity. Or what it even means. Does she want to see more union jack lingerie? Dildos in red, white and blue?
Or is it our patriotic duty to masturbate every morning before breakfast? Or, once a year, should there be a naked prime minister’s questions? That seems more like something the Swedes or the Danes might do. We British tend to be more coy. More private. There again, we have nothing to lose but our chains. For those whose kink is bondage.
Fair to say the response from fellow MPs hasn’t been as enthusiastic as Sam might have hoped. Kemi Badenoch gave the campaign a big thumbs down at Wednesday’s PMQs. I’m assuming she won’t be donating anything to the exhibition. Killjoy.
Tom Hayes, the Labour MP for Bournemouth East, reckoned his constituents would rather he talked about the cost of living. Those vibrators aren’t going to pay for themselves. Lucy Powell sounded positively embarrassed as she admitted she didn’t have any sex toys. Now that’s the definition of being British.
But Sam is undaunted. Not afraid to go it alone. After all, how are you going to please others if you can’t please yourself?
