5 hours ago
9
I’m a 40-year-old man who has used dating apps for eight years and met about 100 different women, not counting the ones with whom I just chatted. That’s a lot of first dates, quite a few second dates and a few short relationships. Nothing stuck.
No one seems to want a relationship. Everyone is broken, including me. Some women turn me down, allegedly, because I ask to split the bill on the second date, having paid on the first. Some turn me down because I want kids and they don’t. Some tell me I’m a nice man, after which I don’t hear from them again. I’ve never ghosted anyone, but I’ve turned down some good people too. I was trying to do the right thing by my head and my heart. It appears everyone is looking for chemistry and not finding it.
So I tried meeting women without using apps. My friends are married or in long-term relationships and unfortunately don’t know anyone they could match me with. When I was younger I worked in a big company and went to house parties; now I’m self-employed and my friends throw baby showers. So I don’t meet single women as much. But I’ve gone to bars and courageously chatted to the women I fancied. Sometimes it actually works – we connect and later go on a date. But she may just like me professionally or as a friend; she may be in a relationship already.
I work long hours and rarely meet new people. I go to a social event once a week, but often it feels more like networking. I’ve also tried speed dating to no avail.
At least on the apps all the women are single, which is a good start. But last year the corrosive activity of swiping, chatting, meeting, rejecting or mostly being rejected became too much and I considered suicide. I deleted the apps instead of myself. I wish I could afford counselling, but it’s too expensive and the NHS talking therapies appear to be reserved for people who are struggling more than me, which is understandable.
I want to find love and try having children before it’s too late. I would appreciate your advice.
Something struck me about dating apps – and I say this with trepidation – but they are no different from real-life dating in so far as people sometimes think they’re ready for a relationship, but subconsciously they actually aren’t. I’m wondering if that could be you.
I spoke to Susanna Abse, a couples psychoanalytic psychotherapist and the author of Tell Me The Truth About Love. “The world of dating apps is notoriously challenging,” she says. “It’s clear you are bruised and disappointed by the experience. The reality, however, is that an estimated 8% of people in the UK now find their long-term partners this way, and the older you are, the more likely this will be.”
While it’s true that people on dating apps are (mainly!) single, it’s also a highly pressurised setting. As Abse says: “People can be very anxious about rejection, so they avoid showing interest.”
Abse wonders whether “open-heartedness and a willingness to look for friendship are actually as important as chemistry. Of course immediate physical attraction is great, but perhaps chemistry also develops over time if the person is interesting and, crucially, interested in you. In other words, it goes both ways – are you interesting? Are you curious about those you meet?”
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We wonder if you’d consider doing something that interests you – an activity – and putting that ahead of looking for a partner, just for a while, to get you out of the place where it seems to be all about work or finding a partner. Abse makes another point. “I wonder if you are struggling with low-level depression,” she says. “You might have a tendency to minimise and mute your feelings, because the idea that feeling suicidal isn’t something that would qualify you for NHS therapy support is simply wrong.”
I take all mentions of suicide very seriously. Please see your GP and explain how you feel. Abse also suggests group therapy, which can help us see how we interact with others and “is much more affordable”. Contact the Institute of Group Analysis for more information.
Our sense of worth and self-esteem can be augmented by a partner, but ultimately it has to come from within. I have a hunch that if you could address this first, the rest may follow.
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email [email protected] or [email protected]. In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.org, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
