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Name: Office hookworms.
Age: A recent term for a very old complaint.
Appearance: By the time they’ve shown themselves, it may be too late.
You don’t have to tell me; I’ve encountered hookworms before. In the workplace?
No, in south-east Asia. In that case you’re probably referring to one of two main species of roundworm belonging to the genera Ancylostoma and Necator, but their office-based counterparts have a similar modus operandi.
What, entering through the skin as larvae and travelling along the host’s circulatory system to the stomach via the lungs, before maturing into adult worms in the intestines? More like embarking on a secret self-promotional campaign by taking credit for the work of others.
OK. It’s not quite the same thing, is it? There’s more: office hookworms also deploy streams of passive-aggressive commentary in a bid to undermine their colleagues.
That’s still a long way from laying 30,000 eggs a day in someone’s digestive tract. The point is, they’re behaving in an analogous fashion to the intestine-based parasite, but at work.
Says who? Susie Ashfield, executive speech coach and the author of Just F***ing Say It! The Ultimate Guide to Speaking With Confidence in Any Situation, which is out in paperback this week.
So, she has identified the hookworm as a difficult office type, best dealt with through some form of confident speaking? Exactly. In Ashfield’s workplace taxonomy the hookworm sits alongside the hippo (an office bully) and the mosquito (an incessant micromanager).
And how does one go about eradicating office hookworms once and for all? Unfortunately it’s not that easy. “You cannot change someone else’s behaviour,” says Ashfield. “The best you can do is change your own and hope for a reaction in them.”
You mean there’s no analogous strategy to be derived from the example of intestinal hookworm management? I’m not sure “don’t walk barefoot in places where people defecate” is applicable here.
Although it is universally sound advice. True – if you’re not following it already, you should definitely start.
When it comes to office hookworms, what is the most effective known treatment? According to Ashfield, the best way to deal with a hookworm’s parasitic habit of taking credit is to be lavish in your praise of other colleagues. Hopefully they will praise your good work in turn, and all credit will be accurately assigned going forward, leaving the hookworm with no way in.
How annoyingly positive. Prevention beats a cure, every time.
Do say: “In cases of difficulty with an office hookworm, present all available evidence to HR at the earliest opportunity.”
Don’t say: “But please don’t bring us any evidence of the other kind of hookworm.”
