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This autumn sees the release of Celebrity Traitors, a new edition of the beloved BBC reality show starring a fleet of household names. It’s a risky move for all who signed up, in that the show has the potential to seriously warp how they’re viewed by the public for years to come. But who will flounder and who will flourish? Here’s the Celebrity Traitors lineup in full, ranked in reverse order of their likely success.
19. Tom Daley
An athlete with a spectacular career, Daley will do terribly on The Traitors. Look at the British Gas adverts he’s been doing. He is genuinely the worst actor who has ever lived. Give him a secret to keep and the poor guy is going to implode.
18. Charlotte Church
Two things will happen here. Either Church will talk too much and give herself away, or she’ll force everyone to participate in a sound bath and they’ll vote her off out of spite.
17. Jonathan Ross
It’s great that Ross is back on the BBC. It’s less great that his comeback will be on a reality show where he’ll last three episodes max for being a gobby know-it-all.
16. Stephen Fry
On one hand, Stephen Fry is a very clever man. On the other, The Traitors is absolutely not a format that rewards intellectualism. Paranoia? Yes. Unfounded hunches? Of course. Abject screaming? Bring it on. But I fear Fry might be out of his depth here.
15. Niko Omilana
A content creator best known for running in elections, Omilana is an unknown quantity. His success on Celebrity Traitors depends exclusively on his ability to penetrate the potentially suffocating chumminess of the other contestants.
14. Alan Carr
Carr had a show called Chatty Man, which leads me to believe that he’s going to gossip wildly about everyone, then act surprised when people call him out for it.
13. Ruth Codd
The actor who is about to star in the How to Train Your Dragon remake, Codd has the most to lose by behaving like an idiot on a reality show. The smart money is on her playing it safe and disappearing into mid-table anonymity.
12. Joe Marler
A rugby player turned social media star, Marler has the sort of huge presence that makes him stand out in any situation. This will make him an early target for unsure contestants, and his survival will depend on how hard he can argue his way out of trouble.
11. Paloma Faith
On paper, Faith is the perfect Traitors contestant, in that she’s extremely personable, while also being quite annoying. However, she’s up against some big hitters here. Can she take them out early enough to succeed?
10. Cat Burns
Burns is a singer with the best days of her career to come. So why is she here? She can’t showcase her skill. She can’t fall back on a public persona. My only guess is that she is here because she loves the drama. This makes her a dangerous proposition.
9. Lucy Beaumont
If you saw her on Taskmaster, you’ll know the central question about Beaumont is: “Is she really like that all the time?” A show like Traitors leaves no room to hide, so this is the perfect opportunity to discover if she’s a charming scatterbrain or simply a calculating agent of deliberate chaos.
8. David Olusoga
A renowned historian, Olusoga is better known for the things he knows than the person he is. As such, he’s a total mystery. He could be a detached chess player, but equally he may be the sort of person to have a fizzing melodramatic eruption whenever he thinks people are picking on him. Who knows?
7. Nick Mohammed
Mohammed is an interesting addition to the lineup. He seems extremely nice, but something behind his eyes suggests a level of trickery that cannot be discounted. If anyone is going to pull an unexpected heel turn here, it’s him.
6. Celia Imrie
Every edition of The Traitors needs a lovely older female presence, and that’s exactly what Imrie is. The fact that she’s the nearest thing to a national treasure in the lineup will only make her more popular.
5. Kate Garraway
I don’t think for a second that she’ll use the more tragic aspects of her recent history to garner favour from the others, but, at the same time, who on earth would think about voting Garraway out? Only an absolute monster, that’s who.
4. Clare Balding
Balding has always had something of the pantomime villain about her. Expect her to craft such a web of lies and deceit in the castle that she ends up playing her fellow contestants like witless puppets.
3. Tameka Empson
The biggest wildcard of the lineup. Worst-case scenario is that Empson showboats and gets booted off early, like Armani in the last series. Best-case is that the actor bamboozles everyone to victory. I’m leaning towards the latter.
2. Mark Bonnar
A Scottish actor who manages the tricky balancing act of coming off as incredibly intense and untrustworthy, despite being a perfectly nice man. If he can harness this juxtaposition, pulling friends into his orbit while intimidating all his foes, he’s bound to reach the final.
1. Joe Wilkinson
One of the most deadpan men to walk the earth, Wilkinson is not someone who readily gives much away. Of anyone in this group, he looks the best equipped to absorb secrets. On a show like The Traitors, this is an invaluable skill. He’ll go far.
