You be the judge: should my best friend stop calling me by a nickname?

14 hours ago 5

The prosecution: Priscilla

I hate being called Prissy – my cousins used to call me that when I was a kid and I’d get upset

My best friend, Chioma, and I are writers. We’ve known each other for seven years: I sent her a message on Twitter, and we started chatting. Since then, we often meet up to work together and have dinner.

The thing is, Chioma has always shortened my name to “Pris”, or even “P.” I tolerated it because I love her, but recently I mentioned that I actually prefer to be called by my full name, Priscilla.

I am sure that I’ve told Chioma this several times over the years, but it never seems to register. I got particularly annoyed recently when Chioma and her new friend Mary, who I don’t know very well, started calling me “Prissy”. I hate it – my cousins used to call me that when I was a kid, and I would get upset. When I told them I didn’t like any of my nicknames, Chioma was shocked and said she hadn’t realised.

She also said that a nickname is given out of love, and that when she shortened my name, it was done with fondness. I said that’s fine for some other people, but I prefer being called by my full name. It also felt as though she wasn’t really taking my preference seriously, and was trying to make an excuse in front of Mary.

There’s also that thing about white people shortening the names of people of colour when they can’t be bothered to pronounce them properly. It’s not like that between me and Chioma, as we are both black, but when Mary – who is white – started doing it, it did feel a bit like that. I don’t think Chioma or Mary meant any harm, but intent doesn’t always erase impact.

I also think Chioma can’t really relate because everyone calls her by her full name all the time.

There’s a subtle power dynamic in deciding what someone should be called, even among friends. Everyone has the right to be called by their full names, and when someone calls you something you don’t relate to, at best it can feel triggering, and at worst it’s a racist microaggression.

The defence: Chioma

Her nickname was born out of love. I feel hurt she’s framing it as if I’ve been disrespecting her

I honestly didn’t realise Priscilla felt that strongly about nicknames. I’ve been calling her “P” or “Pris” for years as it just came naturally. We know each other’s families and spend a lot of time together, so I didn’t think about it too much. Her nickname was born out of love. It felt like something that belonged to us, as most nicknames between friends do.

I thought it was affectionate, and my way of showing closeness. But when she said in front of Mary that she didn’t like her nicknames, I thought: what the heck? I was taken aback, not because I don’t respect her wishes, but because I genuinely thought she understood that I had good intentions. I wasn’t mocking her. “Prissy” was something Mary and I said light-heartedly. It never occurred to me that she might take it as an insult.

She told me it makes her feel like a kid being told off, as that’s what her family used to call her when she had a tantrum. I took that onboard, but I know she feels I brushed her off by saying the nicknames I use are given out of love.

Nicknames signify closeness. For years, our friendship has been easy and comfortable. We don’t really argue and have lots of similar interests. I wouldn’t want her to think I am going against her wishes by calling her something she hates, but she is literally saved in my phone as “Pris”. I’ve called her that since we met. I certainly didn’t mean to embarrass her in front of Mary.

But I do feel hurt that she’s now framing it as though I’ve been disrespecting her for years. I also think she should have said something earlier, as “P” or “Pris” is how she’s always been known to me. I didn’t have a clue she didn’t like it. I also don’t remember her bringing this up before, even though she says she has.

Nicknames to me mean we are really close and at ease with one another. Full names can feel formal sometimes. I think it might be difficult to retrain my brain, but I will try.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Chioma start using Priscilla’s full name?

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I’m with Priscilla on this; imposing a nickname isn’t a sign of closeness, it’s a sign of ignoring your friend’s wishes. Chioma says: “I think it might be difficult to retrain my brain” to call her by her full name. Calling her Priscilla in your phone may help.
Andrea, 58

Saying that this is “triggering” and a “racist microaggression” is an overreaction. Sure, tell Chioma to stop calling you an annoying nickname, but turning it into something deeper is a way of wilfully creating strife where there was once easy affection.
Frank, 39

Priscilla has the right to be called by her preferred name. Chioma didn’t intend to upset Priscilla but that’s the outcome. Saying it was done with love and that Priscilla should have said something earlier are ways of deflecting responsibility for doing something hurtful.
Rachel, 53

Chioma was expressing her affection for and intimacy with Priscilla and was clearly not intending to mock or belittle her. Priscilla should focus on the love Chioma obviously feels for her and take herself less seriously. On this occasion she is indeed being a tad prissy.
Daral, 27

A nickname may be seen as a friendly abbreviation, but its use has to be consensual. Priscilla tolerated this for a time, but has since made her feelings known and this should be respected. To continue using her nickname is unfair and unreasonable behaviour.
Gareth, 60