You be the judge: should my partner use a co-working space so I can have our flat to myself?

4 hours ago 8

The prosecution: Claire

I want him to work away from the flat so we keep a healthy relationship and avoid a couple bubble

Before Xavier moved into my flat in a sunny European city, I lived alone for three years. Ahead of him moving in, I said we could live together but that he needed to find somewhere else to work so we weren’t on top of each other.

We’d both moved here from other countries, and I think it’s healthy to carry on meeting people and not just live in a couple bubble. I asked him to find a co-working space to help us keep a balanced, healthy relationship.

Also, when I wake up, I don’t want to speak for a while. Because I work remotely for a client who doesn’t need me until 1pm, my mornings are my solo time. Having Xavier in my flat all day every day isn’t an option.

My job is 90% calls, so it had to be him that left. Also, it’s my flat, and he was the one who proposed moving in. Luckily, we are super compatible as flatmates, but this was my condition.

I like to have different spaces for work, sleep and socialising, but Xavier doesn’t think like that. He can get up, start work straight away at the kitchen table and then leave the house when he’s done. He likes to do all his work-related activities indoors, then socialise outdoors.

It took Xavier a while to commit to a co-working space. Before that, he was hanging around at home. One day, a month after we started living together, he wanted to take a call at the flat. I said it was fine, but actually it was annoying. Later, we had to have a conversation about why I was irritated, and he joined a co-working space right after that.

I like to talk about issues that arise right away, whereas Xavier will avoid things and hope they’ll disappear. I need to be understood, whereas he can just suppress things. Luckily, there are no other issues between us when it comes to living together. But I think it’s important to have boundaries.

Xavier can work from home occasionally, but I’d prefer it if he stuck to the routine and came back in the afternoon while I’m working and not when I want to relax alone in the morning. It’s important to have separation as a couple.

The defence: Xavier

I’m more productive working from home. I wake up, have a coffee and start straight away

About a month after I moved into Claire’s flat, she told me I needed to go to a co-working space. We both work remotely, and when I moved in she did mention this stipulation. We’ve only been dating a year, and she didn’t want us to be on top of each other.

I dragged my heels because I’d never been to a co-working space; I’d always worked at home. I’m more productive that way. I wake up, have a coffee and start work straight away. I like starting early and finishing by 2 or 3pm, and having my own space, with my food, snacks and a toilet all close by.

Claire starts at 1pm, so I originally thought: great I’ll work in our flat until she needs the office, and pop into a co-working space now and again. But then, about 10 days into this routine, she sat me down and said it wasn’t working, that she wanted me to work outside of the flat consistently.

So now I have to pack my bag, walk to a co-working space, and speak to people, all because Claire wants me out. I don’t like it. I get up at 7am and my productivity starts at 100%. Every little thing I do before working detracts from that – it drops off bit by bit.

Claire said she wanted her space in the mornings. She doesn’t talk much, whereas I am a morning person. I didn’t think I was disturbing her, but she said it was more about having space to just exist away from me in the day. I wasn’t offended, but I didn’t like having to find a co-working spot right away. I needed to work out what I liked and what I wanted out of one – it’s not easy.

I tried one place and it was way too social. Everyone said “hi” every five minutes, and my productivity was affected.

Claire is a very open communicator, and I’m glad she told me she wanted me out of the flat. And I have managed to find a more corporate, soulless co-working space that is less sociable and suits me.

In some ways, my working there makes our lives more interesting, because I come home with news about my day. But sometimes I wish I had a bit more freedom to be in the flat because it’s my home, too.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Xavier let Claire have the space to herself?

Claire wants Xavier to live on her terms and offers no flexibility. The mention of “her flat” makes it feel as if she hasn’t embraced living together as a couple. He is asking for more freedom in his own home, which seems a reasonable request.
Robbie, 35

If working elsewhere was a condition of moving in, Xavier needs to stick to it. But Claire needs to remember that this is Xavier’s home too now – he’s allowed to be there during the day. Flexibility on her side would help ease this issue.
Rose, 40

There seems to be a disparity in the equality dynamic and a disconnect in the relationship harmony. Claire is pulling rank because it’s “her flat” and seems to be insinuating that her needs are more important than his so Xavier should change. Compromise is called for.
Naomi, 72

Covid taught us that spending 24 hours together is not healthy, particularly for a relatively new couple. Claire could compromise and agree on some occasions when Xavier can work from home, but I am with her when she talks about needing space and quiet in the morning.
Silvia, 53

It doesn’t seem as if it would take long for Xavier to walk to his work space, so I don’t buy the argument that every second wasted between waking and working drains him of productivity. It also sounds a bit awful to have your boyfriend get up at 7am and start working on your kitchen table. Alone time is good for a couple.
Matthew, 48