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I don’t live with my partner, but when we sleep in the same bed, I doze off almost instantly. When I’m alone in my own bed, I toss and turn throughout the night.
Between talk of “sleep divorces” being key to a healthy relationship and boyfriends being embarrassing, it’s been hard to admit that I sleep much better with my partner.
Is there something wrong with me?
Definitely not, says Dr Wendy Troxel, a sleep expert, clinical psychologist and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep: “Struggling to sleep without your partner is not necessarily a sign that you’re unhealthily attached.”
When couples develop bedtime routines, one’s partner becomes a signal for safety and sleep, she says. “If you’re somehow sleep-separated from your partner for a time, that powerful cue for safety is now missing,” Troxel explains.
Though couples are increasingly opting to sleep apart to get a better rest, about two-thirds of US adults generally sleep with their partner at night. A YouGov survey found that 66% of Americans said that their ideal sleeping arrangement with a partner was to share a bed.
Here’s what experts have to say about why it may be difficult to get a good night’s rest without that special someone next to you.
Why might someone sleep better with their partner?
A person might get a better night’s rest with their partner because of the routine associated with it, says Dr Hrayr Attarian, a neurology physician and director of Northwestern Medicine’s Sleep Health Centers.
“People sleep better when they have a specific ritual,” he says. Humans, like other animals, learn to associate certain stimuli with certain behaviors – in this case, associating a partner next to you in bed with sleep. The act of going to bed with a partner becomes a “conditioned response”, he says.
A partner can also help you maintain a bedtime routine and unwind at night, which are important for sleep, adds Dr Joseph Dzierzewski, the National Sleep Foundation’s senior vice-president of research and scientific affairs.
Whether it’s reading a book together before bed, putting away your phones or a shared hygiene routine, these “little moments” serve as a strong cue for your body to know it’s time to go to bed, he says.
What are the benefits of sleeping with a partner?
Sleeping with a partner is associated with better sleep quality overall, according to a 2022 study. The same study also found that romantic bed-sharing was linked to several mental health benefits, including lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress.
Sleeping and cuddling with a partner at night can stimulate the release of oxytocin, often called the “love hormone”, says Troxel – it has “anxiety-relieving properties and can induce a calming response” that can help promote better sleep.
Dzierzewski says the routine of sleeping with a partner also feeds the identity of being in a relationship and provides a sense of emotional intimacy and connection. Without these benefits, it may be difficult to then sleep alone.
“All of a sudden, you don’t have that sense of safety, that ritual or routine. You’re missing that closeness, that accidental skin touch,” Dzierzewski says.
How can couples develop healthy sleep dynamics?
Some people find that they sleep more soundly with their partner, but this isn’t universal. Troxel cites misaligned sleep schedules, opposing work hours and snoring as reasons why couples may have trouble sleeping together.
The key to couples finding healthy sleep patterns is communication, says Dr Seema Khosla, medical director of the North Dakota Center for Sleep and an American Academy of Sleep Medicine fellow. “Just like everything else you navigate in a relationship, there may be a little give and take” when it comes to discussing sleep as a couple, she says.
Such a conversation starts with recognition that both partners want to sleep well and want their partner to sleep well, Khosla says.
Couples with babies or young children may also discuss who will take on feeding or diaper duties on certain nights, or which partner sleeps separately with a child if need be, Khosla adds.
Dzierzewski encourages couples to be flexible and find compromises that work for them. For some people, this might mean sleeping apart. Given the negative connotation, Dzierzewski prefers the term “bedtime break” to “sleep divorce”, and says these breaks can be beneficial, and also temporary.
For others, separate blankets or finding a room temperature that works for both parties may help, he says.
How can couples sleep better when apart?
Humans spend about a third of our lives asleep, Troxel says, and much of that can happen with a partner if you’re in a long-term relationship. So getting a good night’s rest is “central to our individual health, but also our relationship health”, she says.
Don’t negatively judge yourself or your relationship if you have trouble sleeping without your partner, says Troxel. Instead, try recognizing the “beauty” of deriving “a sense of safety from being close to your partner”, she says. If you notice that anxieties about the relationship are keeping you up, Troxel suggests exploring whether they stem from the relationship itself or deeper internal feelings of insecurity.
But life happens, Troxel says. Adult couples might have to sleep apart for various reasons, including long-distance relationships, travel or children. People may also have to adjust to sleeping alone after a breakup or the death of a partner.
To sleep better solo, Troxel recommends finding a proxy for your partner, like a T-shirt that smells like them; Khosla recommends a body pillow.
If you read or watch an episode of your favorite show with your partner before bed, Dzierzewski advises doing the same when alone. “[The routine] will still serve as a strong cue for your body that says sleep is impending,” he says.
With or without your loved one, experts recommend about six to eight hours of sleep a night and developing sustainable bedtime routines.
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Jacquelyne Germain is a copy editor for the Guardian US and a writer
