Think you’re kind? Maybe you’re just being nice. I’ve learned there’s a big difference | Ann Russell

2 hours ago 6

There is a big difference between being kind and being nice. I’m a cleaner, and I was emphatically told this by an elderly client. I was, I confess, rather prone to giving her dogs a few too many treats. It’s a sensible thing to do when you’re visiting a new client with dogs that don’t know you – making anything with teeth think of me as an unalloyed good thing is something I believe in.

Only – as their owner pointed out to me – it wasn’t kind. After I left, this pack of rather large and difficult dogs weren’t as receptive to training. Why didn’t I play with them instead? It would have been just as effective. The answer, of course, was that I took the easy option. I wanted their owner to think I was wonderful, to see how her dogs loved me. I wasn’t, in fact, thinking of being a good thing for the dogs. I just wanted the adoration without putting in the work.

But her words got me thinking about what it means to be truly kind. Being nice is all about how you wish to be viewed, whereas being kind means doing what is right – never mind the optics.

Nice is telling your friend her speech is fantastic – being kind is pointing out that it’s filled with bad jokes, none of which will work with the intended audience. Nice is ignoring the letter from school about nits because your daughter has curly hair that is impossible to untangle without hurting her – being kind is carefully combing through it every night for a week to ensure her head is free from the itching, even if she hates it.

Being nice can be actively harmful too. When it’s disingenuous, it’s a superficial kind of action. It leads us to do hurtful things because our focus is on ourselves and how others perceive us.

It’s difficult, especially for women. So many of us have been conditioned to people-please: be nice, don’t rock the boat, don’t upset. Nice people smile a lot; they make you feel good in the moment but their niceness can blind you to ulterior motives. How often do people comment on how nice someone was, how charming only to discover too late they were a terrible human? Ted Bundy was nice, he was handsome and charming. Monsters often are.

But nice also harms us. I know a lot of women my age (myself included) who havesaid yes to dates we didn’t want, to meals we didn’t enjoy – even to marriage proposals – simply because we were taught that it mattered that other people thought we were nice girls.

Kind people, on the other hand, often cause scenes. They stand up for what’s right, they put themselves out, and do not worry about their personal inconvenience. They rarely concern themselves with how people see them. Their energy goes on doing the right thing, no matter how difficult that might make things for themselves.

How did I react after being admonished by that elderly client? Well, I started to care less about how other people saw me, which was surprisingly freeing. Instead, I started to concentrate on doing the right thing. It was difficult and went against instincts I didn’t even know I had. But I began to be more upfront and honest about things.

I found I was better placed to give constructive criticism – not by being rude or abrasive but by gently making suggestions. For example, it became easier to tell people they would never have the results they wanted from my services unless they were prepared to put in some work themselves. Sometimes, this wasn’t received as well as I’d hoped, but it paid dividends within a few weeks. Asking people to ensure the house was reasonably tidy allowed me to clean more efficiently, and freed up time to spend on the unpleasant tasks they disliked. Cleaning the oven, for example.

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Getting older, I realise more and more that doing the kind thing matters to me. I’ve spent too much time trying to be nice, trying to not upset people. Being nice is exhausting: you expend so much energy presenting yourself in a favourable light, and you get no thanks for it. One huge benefit of ageing is you stop caring so much what other people think of you. You are free to be kind, to do the right thing. I sleep much more easily because of that.