2 hours ago
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It’s amazing how quickly some things get normalised. Only last week at a press conference in Chequers, Donald Trump not only claimed to have no idea who Peter Mandelson was, he also insisted he had ended a major war between Azerbaijan and Albania.
If that wasn’t enough, on his return to the US the president went on to declare he had prevented conflict between Armenia and Cambodia. In a saner world, someone might raise an eyebrow at this. But no longer. Instead, everyone just nods and smiles. This is just The Donald being The Donald. What a guy!
Here in the UK we have our own altered states. For some time now, Reform has been holding a weekly Monday morning press conference. Even when no one has very much to say. Just an opportunity for Nigel Farage to let rip on some of his favourite subjects. Principally, himself. Nige can’t go more than a few days without the excitement of a TV camera recording his life before part of him dies inside. If he is not front and centre of the news channel, he has no sense of purpose. Lost to himself and the outside world. It doesn’t matter what he says, the meaning is in the saying of it. This is just Nige being Nige. What a guy!
This Monday, Nige was to be found in the Royal Horseguards hotel in Westminster. His theme? Legal migration. Shortly to be made not so legal. His five minutes started now. Nige strode towards the lectern – just as the Reform UK panel fell off the front. A good beginning.
Nige looked mildly irritated. He was bored of talking about people crossing the Channel in small boats. Everyone had already got the message that they were evil. Nige now wanted to focus on all those who had come here legally and been granted indefinite leave to remain (ILR). Well, he had news for them. Everyone’s ILR would be revoked. There were just too many foreigners and Nige had never seen one that he didn’t want to deport.
The thing about most legal migrants was that they were just lazy. Spongers. Coming here because they just wanted an easy life. Contributing nothing. Soaking up welfare benefits. And if they were working, they were in low-paid jobs we could probably do without. Like nurses, hospital porters and care workers. They were all part of the Boris wave. The greatest betrayal of Brexit since Nige himself. Nige was never too bothered about contradicting himself.
Next up was Zia Yusuf. The Reform point guy for delivery. The supposed brains of the Reform operation. Though these things are relative. Zia, too, had never come across an immigrant he didn’t want to deport. The era of cheap labour was over, he said. There would be some acute skills shortage visas for some hospital and care home staff, but in return the employers would have to train up Brits and increase their wages. By now, we were well into the realms of incoherent fantasy. A three-year-old could see that this was all just nonsense.
But Nige and Zia were rushing on their run. They had cooked this up on the back of a cigarette packet and managed to convince themselves they were going to save the country from bankruptcy. Savings of £230bn. Only foreigners on high earnings and perfect English would be allowed to stay. And then only for five years. And they couldn’t bring any of their relatives over, either. KEEP BRITAIN FOR THE BRITISH. We were being robbed of our own culture.
Then came the questions and here the atmosphere turned tetchy. Nige and Zia had been expecting to be greeted as the great messiahs. Saviours rising from the streets. And now even the normally Reform-friendly rightwing media started to turn against them. They did have their credibility to maintain, after all. And much of this didn’t just sound openly racist, it was economically illiterate. If this was the future then count us out. Hit squads of border guards rounding up millions of foreigners to deport them. Public services gutted and on their knees. The country run by hundreds of MPs with no experience of anything.
The £230bn of savings that even the Centre for Policy Studies (CPS), which originally dreamed up the figure, now disowned. Nige didn’t care. That kind of accuracy was for halfwits. Nige knew better because he was Nige. Who cared what the CPS thought? The figure was probably far higher than £230bn anyway. So in reality he was being on the safe side. Just don’t cross him. Don’t challenge his reality. It’s all too fragile and might shatter.
And don’t get Nige started on pensioners. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Foreign pensioners would all have to go. Can’t have them sitting on their fat arses sucking up benefits. There would be nothing for them. Just a plane back to where they came from. They weren’t needed here. Keep British welfare payments British. Some people are more British than others.
Was Nige sure everyone hated legal immigrants as much as he did? On the Tommy Robinson march, all the anger was directed at illegals. Nige leaned forwards. The country needed educating. People hadn’t been taught to hate foreigners well enough. Once they knew as much about legal foreigners with ILR as he did, they would be out on the street demanding their deportation. Criminals in waiting. Refusing to work. Hate. Hate again. Hate better. You know it makes sense.
Zia tried to be the nice guy. Yes, he understood it was going to be difficult for some foreigners who believed they had a right to stay in Britain. That’s why he was giving everyone several years’ advance warning. There was an easy way and there was a hard way. They could either leave of their own volition or be handcuffed on to a transport plane.
British citizens would be allowed to stay whatever. For now. But don’t count on it. Don’t say he’s not a caring man. As for legal challenges? No problem. Just change the law. And Nige would try to stop EU citizens with settled status from claiming benefits.
Reform’s new recruit Danny Kruger nodded along at the back. This was his kind of politics of division. Nige wound up. If everyone knew foreigners like he knew foreigners … give ’em an inch and they take a mile. Nige being Nige. What a guy!
