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Name: Highland cows.
Age: More than 1,000 years old.
Appearance: Unholy hybrid of Boris Johnson and delivery bicycle.
But they’re cows, yeah? A tough and hardy breed known for its shaggy coat and upturned horns.
Where can I see these fine creatures? The question is: where can you not see them?
I can think of lots of places. I can’t see any right now. The answer is: Hothfield Heathlands nature reserve, near Ashford in Kent.
I’m not exactly surprised a nature reserve in Kent hasn’t got cattle bred to weather the forbidding climate of the Scottish Highlands. Oh, they’ve got them. You just can’t see them.
Why not? They don’t want you to. They’re hidden.
In that case, why have them in the first place? They were brought in to restore and maintain the reserve through wild grazing.
And why are they hidden? To protect them from influencers.
Influencers? Videos of the cows went viral on TikTok, prompting a flood of visitors to the reserve.
That’s good, isn’t it? Unfortunately people were trying to take selfies with the cows, even attempting to stroke them. Kent Wildlife Trust, which manages the site, warned visitors to keep at least 10 metres away, but it didn’t work.
So they hid them? “We’re sad to say we’ve made the decision to remove the cows at Hothfield Heathlands, at least for the time being,” reads a post on its website. “When under pressure, the cows can become distressed.”
Cattle that have survived the Highlands for centuries, stressed out by social media. That’s the best-case scenario, according to the post. “Worst case, they could start to react out of fear.”
Nobody’s gonna complain about a few influencers getting pronged, are they? You never know – people will complain about anything.
This is Moo Deng all over again. If you’re referring to the cute baby pygmy hippo whose viral appeal in 2024 led to global fame, throngs of visitors and harassment, then yes, it’s like that, but in Kent, and with cattle.
Is this the first time Highland cows have had this effect on people? No. There’s something about their shaggy fringes that captivates the public. Posts with the hashtag #highlandcow have reportedly reached millions of people.
Has their popularity caused trouble before? In January, three people had to be rescued after getting lost while looking for some viral Highland cattle on Butser Hill in Hampshire.
Rescued? In Hampshire? It was getting dark.
Do say: “Please respect the personal space of these admittedly adorable cows.”
Don’t say: “If I can’t get close, how am I supposed to put this hat on it?”
