I moved abroad to live with my wife, but I’ve come to hate her country | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I met my wife almost 20 years ago while I was working abroad temporarily. We instantly clicked, got married a few months later, and had to decide which country we lived in: hers or mine. For a host of reasons – mostly to do with work – we chose hers. Fortunately, I managed to find a job there, and after a few years got permanent resident status. At one level, that was all good.

In moving to my wife’s country, I gave up my preferred career and much of my social network. I can deal with that. But the big challenge I face is that, while I’ve never liked it much, I now detest the country in which I reside. I intensely dislike the behaviour, the prevailing attitudes, the social and political environment, the city I have to live in, and so on. I just hate it, but I’m stuck here for practical reasons connected with my wife’s work and our son’s education. (We wouldn’t be able to afford the international tuition fees for him to study in my home country, so moving back is not an option.)

It’s making me very depressed; I feel helpless to make any changes that would support my wellbeing. My friends tell me to grin and bear it, to ignore the annoyances, but I can’t escape them. Any suggestions on what I can do to improve my situation?

I’m sorry you hate where you live so much. You didn’t say where it is or name your home country.

I was interested in the run-up to this though: the instantly “clicking”, the quick marriage, and the suddenness with which you began to detest where you live (though you never liked it). What happened? I felt that was key, even if it was just something which unleashed a hatred which had been growing and suddenly seems unsustainable.

I went to psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer, who thought your letter showed “someone who doesn’t seem to think about their needs very well. I’m not surprised you feel depressed. You put up with things [that don’t make you happy]. Was there a lot of discussion between you and your wife, not just about where you’d live but about what sort of life you’d build?”

Is there anything practical you can do? Often when we get mired in a problem we insist nothing can be done, but even in the most entrenched positions there is usually some wiggle room. Are your son’s tuition fees the only thing holding you back? I presume you are talking about uni/college – are you sure that’s what he’ll do? You may have to ask yourself how you’d feel if you stay where you are – so unhappy – and what that would do to your relationship with your son if he is what’s keeping you there. Or is there something else?

There was very little mention of your wife. Vahrmeyer wondered “what your relationship is like and if you talk to her about this? Is there a chance to retire in the near future” – when maybe you could live in your country of origin – “or to travel there more?”

I’m sure you know that no country is perfect, and I wonder how ideal the country you left would feel if you lived there now. Even in the most wonderful place there is frustration and unhappiness. The issue remains, however, that you are deeply unhappy and need to look not only at why that is, but also at what it brings up in you beyond the obvious. I couldn’t get over the feelings of resentment in your letter and how long they have been simmering away.

“It’s one thing to talk about detesting somewhere, but how,” Vahrmeyer asked, “do you talk about your needs? Is anything you want gettable from where you are now? Can your needs be met in other ways?”

You’ve clearly travelled a lot, but I sensed a passivity; that can happen with depression, but maybe you’ve gone along with life and now realise you need to take control of some things. Maybe you could think about where you’d like to be in five years’ time, how you’d like to live, what you’d like to be feeling, and work backwards to see how you might achieve that. But to do that, you need to look not just at your immediate feelings but where they come from.

You might find these podcasts helpful: What It Means to Belong; and Should we move?

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.