5 hours ago
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Cast your mind forward 10 years or so. Long after Kemi Badenoch has been sacked as Tory party leader without even getting to contest an election. Long after she has been fired from a sinecure in an HR firm for falling out with all her colleagues. Long after she was dismissed from a Tory thinktank for being unable to think. Long after she was forced to take early retirement.
You might think Kemi’s name would be long forgotten by then. But you would be wrong. Because her name will live for evermore. Six years from now a group of psychiatrists and psychotherapists will gather in May for what will become the most oversubscribed symposium in the history of medical and therapeutic science. Freudians, Jungians, Kleinians, cognitive behaviourists, psychodynamic and systemic therapists. The lot. Everyone will be there. Trying to make sense of the most intriguing problem to have troubled shrinks everywhere. Who or what is Kemi? More importantly, why is Kemi?
Some believe that Kemi was just an unfortunate one-off. Emerging out of deserved obscurity after Boris Johnson’s decision to throw any sane Tory out of the party. A sort of big bang event with disastrous consequences. Others have started to wonder if Kemi was even real. Instead she was some creation of AI, a mass of electrical connections formed in the deepest cesspit of the dark web. What everyone agrees on, though, is that no one in the history of the psychological sciences has ever been so consistently wrong about everything. It’s almost an achievement to fall out with everyone. Including herself. Is she sad, mad or bad? Or all three?
It won’t surprise you to learn that the Kemi symposium was not a one-off. Such was the demand from therapists and shrinks all over the world, it grew into a major week-long event. And still they had to turn people away. The one scheduled for 2035 will take place in Berkeley, California. Book early to avoid disappointment. Yet there is always one plenary session that sells out in seconds. The one at which a distinguished guest speaker tries to make sense of the 15-minute interview with the BBC’s Nick Robinson on Thursday, 5 March 2026. Remember the date. It was the time Kemi jumped the shark.
Kemi had been invited on to the Today programme to try to explain her position on American planes bombing Iran. Something you may have thought she would have wanted to avoid as Keir Starmer’s defensive position turns out to be by far the most popular decision he has ever made. Nearly 50% are Team Keir, while only 20% are Team Kemi. Even Reform UK voters are against the war. But that doesn’t account for Kemi’s unique memory block. A fault in her programming, presumably. She has precisely no recollection of British military failures in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya.
“So you want to escalate the war?” Nick asked. “No,” said Kemi carefully. Nick tried again. “So you want to bomb missile sites in Iran?” “No,” said Kemi again. Nick sounded puzzled. This wasn’t in the script. Kemi appeared to have finally come to her senses and adopted the government stance. A first for someone who usually disagrees with herself. “OK,” said Nick. “Tell me what you do want to do.” Kemi paused and thought for a while. “I want to escalate the war and bomb Iraq.”
By now Nick was hopelessly out of his depth. It was bad enough that Kemi had disappeared down a rabbit warren live on air. Worse still to discover he had just been dragged down with her. There was nothing for it but to continue as best he could and hope that no one was really listening. Or if they were, that they had the sound turned down. Nick wouldn’t be including this in his showreel. For the rest of us, though, it was comedy gold.
What followed was sheer madness. Almost a comedy sketch of someone trying to give the worst radio interview by a politician they could. No sooner would Kemi say something than she would contradict herself or double down with something totally deranged. As though there were no synaptic connections. She might even be stupider than Donald Trump. Try this: Kemi truly believes we ought to attack all our enemies just so we have the element of surprise. Get your bombs in first. She had no idea of the principle of nuclear deterrence. That not bombing Russia or China had kept us safe. She’s like a rogue Dr Strangelove.
Next, Kemi said she was against giving the US carte blanche in the Middle East but she couldn’t come up with anything she wouldn’t let them do. Hell, nuke Iran if it makes you feel good about yourself. Nor had she been that bothered about Pete Hegseth verging on sexual arousal as he talked about torpedoing an Iranian boat. “The Americans like theatrics,” she observed. Yes. And it had been kind of cool to watch 80 men die on her social media feed.
Nick then asked her about the story that Starmer may have consulted members of the cabinet and the national security council before reaching a decision on Saturday. Whatever next? People talking to one another. This has to be one of the big non-stories of the war so far. But Kemi was outraged. She never talked to anyone except herself. In her defence, I suppose if my shadow cabinet colleagues consisted of Chris Philp, James Cartlidge, Priti Patel and Claire Coutinho then I might not bother either. Four people fighting over a single neuron.
The interview finally limped to a close. One day to be psychotherapeutic history. But for now, the rest of us once again found ourselves thinking: “Thank fuck Keir Starmer is prime minister.” An unusual occurrence for most of us. But just think where we might be with Bloodlust Kemi.
As for Keir, he elected to hold a press conference at 2pm in which he had decided to say precisely nothing. There was no plan for the war but when and if the Americans had one, he would be sure to let us know. In the meantime, we should just Keep Calm and Carry On. You get the feeling there will be plenty more of these press conferences where there is nothing to say in the coming days. It’s almost reassuring.
