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Calling the contrite: are you very sorry, or are you extremely remorseful? Do you see that what you did was very wrong, or have you recognised that it was exceedingly reprehensible?
If that sounds like overdoing it, when it comes to expressing regret, syllables matter. That was the conclusion of a study published this week into the perceived sincerity of apologies, which found that when faced with an expression of remorse, we find it more meaningful if the apologiser has used longer words.
That is owing to the perceived extra effort the guilty party is putting in, concluded researchers – even if the effort extends no further than using a slightly more elaborate word.
Fancy language or not, sorry remains the hardest word for a reason, says Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, a registered psychologist and associate fellow of the British Psychological Society. “Even if we might understand that what we did or said wasn’t OK, it’s still very hard because it’s admitting vulnerability and we’re not good at being vulnerable. Historically that didn’t keep us safe. So we have our guards up.”
So how to do it well? Plenty of examples offer lessons on what to do and what to avoid.
The over-scripted apology
When the actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis wrote letters to request a lighter sentence for their “role model” former co-star Danny Masterson, who had been convicted of rape, it was damaging enough. The carefully worded video apology that followed, alternating line by line between them, seemingly only made matters worse. “We are aware of the pain that has been caused …” opened a staccato Kutcher. “We support victims …” continued Kunis. Many observers concluded they perhaps weren’t particularly sorry.
The gushing apology
Where penitents of yore might have perched on a pillar in the desert for years on end to atone for their sins, for the former Labour chief secretary to the Treasury, Liam Byrne, a column in the Guardian had to suffice. In it, he offered an agonised apology for his “stupid”, “crass” and “bloody offensive” actions in leaving a lighthearted note for his successor in 2010, which read: “I’m sorry there is no money left.”
The incoming prime minister David Cameron’s repeated use of the note to blame Labour for austerity had “helped hurt the party I love”, Byrne wrote, and “every day I have burned with the shame of it”. (Many commenters were more forgiving: “Dude, don’t beat yourself up. It made no real difference,” wrote one.)
The nobody’s buying it apology
“Some people go through life going ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ just to get out of situations, but it’s insincere and they never change their behaviour,” says Quinn-Cirillo. “I’m sure you’ll be able to think of people.”
Quite. Take, to select one person at random, Boris Johnson, who was forced into apologies again and again (and again) over his conduct during the Covid lockdowns, without ever sounding terribly convincing. To no one’s astonishment, the former PM then retracted it all in his memoir, saying it had been a “mistake” to offer the “pathetic” and “grovelling” apologies.
“Do you have insight, can you reflect, can you change your behaviour? Those are the three key things” that signal a genuine apology, says Quinn-Cirillo. Um – no.
The sorry not sorry apology
Just because a statement has the S-word in it doesn’t make it a genuine expression of remorse. Take Harvey Weinstein’s statement after accusations of sexual assault were first published in the New York Times. “I appreciate the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain and I sincerely apologise for it,” said Weinstein. He added that he had come of age in the 1960s and 1970s when “all the rules about behaviour and workplaces were different”.
His attorney said in a separate statement the film producer was preparing to sue over a report “saturated in false and defamatory statements”. Weinstein has since been convicted of rape and sexual assault by courts in California and New York and is may face further proceedings.
Better late than never apology
Should the city of Florence have banished Dante in 1302 over his political views, forcing him to live the last 19 years of his life in exile? It took city authorities only 706 years to conclude, in 2008, that no, perhaps they got that one wrong. Better late than never? Perhaps, though the poet’s descendant, Count Pieralvise Serego Alighieri, declined to attend an “apology ceremony”, after concluding “it wouldn’t be a heartfelt, collective ‘mea culpa’ at all”. A publicity stunt, you say?
At least they offered. When the Catholic church finally conceded, in 1996, that Galileo had been right that the Earth moved around the sun, there was no expression of contrition, merely a grudging acknowledgment that the church’s “sad misunderstanding now belongs to the past”.
Galileo may have been forced to recant under threat of torture – but he’s not getting an apology. Sorry.
