2 hours ago
4
Name: Conversational narcissism.
Age: Christened in 1979.
Appearance: A man conversing with himself.
A paradox, then. Not really – it’s just people going on and on about themselves, under the cloak of a two-way exchange.
You mean you’re not supposed to talk about yourself in a conversation? Of course you are, but not solely. Conversational narcissism is about continually shifting the focus of the conversation back to you.
And if I do that, I’m a narcissist? Not necessarily. When the sociologist Charles Derber coined the term nearly half a century ago, he was using it to refer to a defining characteristic of the attention-seeking culture of late-70s America.
Suffice to say, he hadn’t seen nothing yet. Quite.
If I’m not a narcissist, then what am I? Does this have to be about you?
It would be much easier, thanks. Often conversational narcissists are acting out of insecurity, or because they lack basic social skills. “They just have a hard time letting the spotlight move off of them,” Dr Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York university, recently told HuffPost. “It’s not necessarily a sign they are self-absorbed, though it may seem like it.”
I knew I was fine. Conversational narcissism may be pervasive, even commonplace, but it’s not fine. Your interlocutor will find you draining, exhausting, self-obsessed and very hard work. Does that make sense?
It might do; I wasn’t listening. That’s another sign: a “glazed look” that signals you’re not interested in what the other person is saying, and are simply waiting for your turn to speak.
Got it – so I need to cultivate an interested look. No, you actually need to be interested.
Check. Any other strategies for keeping the focus on yours truly? They’re not strategies; they’re defects.
Let’s not quibble over terminology. There’s the established tactic of “boomerasking” - asking your interlocutor a question, only to turn the tables and answer the question as if you’d asked it of yourself.
Like a boomerang – that’s clever. It’s not clever, it’s selfish and terribly transparent – other people notice, and find it insincere. Try asking a question in order to listen to the answer.
OK. Are you jealous? Jealous? Of whom?
Of me. Conversational narcissism is the default mode of discourse of our times, and I’m winning at it.
I see what you’ve done there.
Do say: “You can’t just walk in here and start talking about yourself. A conversation is not a monologue.”
Don’t say: “Am I in the right room? I’m meant to be auditioning for the part of Polonius.”
